i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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