yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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