i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
