Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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