I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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