Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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