i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
