He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
