Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
