worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
