i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
