im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
