Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
