so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
