I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
