watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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