This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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