I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
