Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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