Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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