Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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