people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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