I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
false alarm, still single
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
