I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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