She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
