Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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