if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
