and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
