I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
