Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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