While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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