I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm passing your future prison.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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