Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
