Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize