I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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