I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
