Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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