but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
