Your mouth is God's brothel.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
