woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
