Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
is that a dick in a sweater?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
