So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
