This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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