if only i could text you this smell
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
