i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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