i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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