She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
