You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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