Kiss
Puke
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
