we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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