My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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