So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
