you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize