I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
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