bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My balls are so social today.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
