i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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