No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize