I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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