I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
