In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
