Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Congratulations! We have a period
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
