I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
