My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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